You know that this is such an important time in my life as I start work again. Two years ago I gave up my job and went back to university to retrain to be a Social Worker. You took so much control at times that I wondered whether I’d done it all for nothing. Would I get to the end of the course? And if I did, would I be able to hold down a job or would you get in the way?
Well I did get to the end of the course and it was my biggest achievement. I had a full-time job lined up and spent the summer relocating for it. But during that time between finishing my studies and starting the job I got more and more nervous about how it would go. I knew it would be a huge adjustment for my body as I had been completely out of a routine. I had got used to doing things on my own schedule, and now I would have to work to someone else’s.
Having completed 7 days of my new job, I have a few questions for you:
Where were the nerves?
Perhaps it is just the result of medication, but I don’t think so. I think you’ve actually taught me something Fibro. I think you’ve taught me that things will be out of my control and there’s nothing I can do about that. And so why waste time on the worry? I really have no choice but to roll with whatever life throws my way.
Whenever people would ask me how I felt about starting the job I’d hear myself saying ‘yeah I feel ok really. It’s happening isn’t it so we’ll just see how it goes’. And it wasn’t a front. I believed those words. Maybe through you I am beginning to change, relax and become more resilient.
Are we working together?
I think perhaps we’re beginning to listen to one another and understand each other better.
I’ve been trying my best to feed you nutritious foods and keep to more regular sleeping hours. I’ve been treating you to long soaks in the bath. I’ve really been trying to listen to what you need, pacing myself and resting when I feel I need it outside of working hours. I’m not always the best at these things, but I’ve really been trying and have made some improvements.
You know this is so important to me and maybe as I’ve been nice to you, you’ve been nice to me. Perhaps you’ve given me a break and allowed me to ease into my new role quite smoothly so far. Don’t get me wrong, you’re still there. I still feel pain, fatigue, brain fog and the many symptoms you like to throw my way, but still at their ‘normal’ levels. I haven’t had the flare up I feared I would.
I’m not naive enough to think you’re not coming – we’ll always have our ups and downs. But for now I thank you for letting me have this time to adjust.